


The Boy with No Heart

by graciegirl2001



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ep 103, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Touch starved kiddos need a hug, Widogast’s Clip O Rama, Widojest - Freeform, and they get one, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25574974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graciegirl2001/pseuds/graciegirl2001
Summary: Safe within the memory-filled dome in Rumblecusp, Caleb opens up about his complicated feelings regarding his past. Jester listens, and teaches him a thing or two about love and worth.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 14
Kudos: 93





	The Boy with No Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this after rewatching Liam’s Narrative Telephone- make sure to check it out! Spoilers for Critical Role Episode 103!

Jester’s eyes shine with memories. They curve and fade and reappear endlessly, and she refuses to close her eyes and miss a second; not when she is a night’s sleep away from potentially losing all of this. A lifetime of unforgettable moments. She can’t sleep a wink. 

Her Momma is up there, in the shifting lights filling the dome. A few times. She appears singing at the party, being slobbered on by a Nugget, gathering her daughter into her arms. Jester wants to reach out and touch that one. Memorize it until it’s burned into the back of her eyelids.

But as the night wears on, Jester’s eyes wander away from her mother, and to the precious memories of her friends. Many of the scenes splayed before her are familiar. She reminisces on the memories of their family’s journey- the moments of tears, of laughter, of peace and hardship.

But there are other scenes that Jester has never seen before. Yasha and her wife surrounded by flowers. Fjord with a crew full of people. 

As her eyes flit across the space, Jester finds herself drawn to a particular memory. In one corner of the dome, just above Caduceus’ sleeping form, three children stand with their arms wrapped around each other, laughing. 

One, she pinpoints as a younger, less hardened version of the guard from earlier, Eodwulf. She watches as the dark haired boy throws his head back, jostling his friends, who startle into another fit of laughter. 

Caught in Eodwulf’s arm is a girl. 

_She was handsome._

The girl has sharp, striking features- so unlike Jester’s own soft attributes. 

She touches her face absentmindedly. 

Astrid’s deep brown eyes dance with mirth as she glances sideways. Glances at...

_Oh._

A scrawny redhead boy, with shining blue eyes catches his balance and laughs unabashedly. Smiles freely. 

_Oh._

The feeling comes unbidden that she is intruding on something private. Something tucked away into the secret parts of her friend’s soul. Yet there it is, shining brazenly in the sky. Though she still feels vaguely guilty, Jester cannot tear her eyes away from the little redhead boy that laughs like there isn’t a care in the world.

“Can’t sleep?”

She jolts, heart pounding, head snapping to look at the source of the voice.

Against one end of the dome sits Caleb. His piercing blue eyes meet hers and for just a moment she swears she sees the glint of that hopeful, radiant, child. Her arms prickle with goosebumps. She looks away.

The children flicker and dance. Laughing. Smiling. 

Caleb follows her gaze and his face softens ever so slightly.

“Hm. A different time, ja?”

“ _Ja_ ,” she replies with a hesitant grin, mimicking the wizard’s accent.

Caleb smiles back at this, then shifts to see the memory better- crossing his legs, and resting his chin on his palm.

_He looks awfully young like that._

Caleb strokes Frumpkin absentmindedly, the soft glow turning the familiar’s fur a glistening orange. 

“Sometimes I think about that boy. That time before everything fell to pieces.” He finally says, with a deep breath. 

The memory replays. Again, and again.

Jester feels an odd tightness in her chest, and wonders at the tears prickling behind her eyes.

She wants to ask _how_ it fell to pieces. Ask about Astrid, ask what was it about Astrid that made Caleb fall in love with her? What made her so special? Ask about Mr Icky-Thong, about what terrible thing he did that took the light and the love from the eyes of those children. But most of all she wants to grab Caleb by the face with both hands and tell him that boy is _still_ in there somewhere, she just _knows_ it… and maybe if he could just _believe_ he’s in there… maybe-

But she doesn’t. Jester sits and watches the memory. And watches Caleb. And tries not to cry.

Caleb is still entranced, speaking into the silence.

“It wasn’t all bad you know.” He looks at her now, then seems to regret it, opting to turn his eyes to the sky instead. “The academy I mean. My childhood.” 

A hand waves and the laughing Bren disappears, replaced with a new scene. Now the boy is sweeping a hand and muttering something. The spell activates, and a shimmering dove appears, which takes flight. His mouth opens in pride and amazement.

Another movement of slender fingers, and the dove becomes a cat. Similar to Frumpkin, but more solid. It rests on the shoulders of the young wizard, who is eagerly bent over a book.

The illusory boy stops, and looks up. Jester let’s out a gasp as his eyes meet hers... then pass through her. She sees the object of his attention a mere moment later.

Una Ermendrud glides through the air, skirts swishing by Jester’s ear, stopping to press a kiss against her son’s cheek.

Caleb’s eyes are wet.

“It wasn’t all bad,” he repeats, to himself or to her she is not sure.

“They loved you very much didn’t they,” Jester says, taking in the beautiful woman.

“Very much.”

She nods.

“And you love them very much… still. After everything.”

Caleb hesitates, a wary look in his eyes, before slowly tucking his head in affirmation.

They sit like that for a long time. Both silent. The sounds of their friends breathing, and occasionally snoring, fill the space. Jester feels her heart swell looking at all of them. The people she doesn’t want to... she _can’t_ forget. The people she would do anything for. Finally Jester looks at Caleb, _her_ Caleb- real and solid and present, with his weary, pained, but still striking blue eyes. A kind of desperation comes over her. 

“You know what though Caleb?” She begins, with a slight huff.

He seems surprised at the sound. “What?”

“I think...” she stops to formulate the words. “I think that they would be glad you still love them. Your parents, I mean. And Astrid. And Eodwulf.”

Caleb watches attentively.

She continues. “Like, I know you think that it makes you a bad person for loving them. And missing them. And remembering them. But you’re _wrong_ Caleb.”

Jester feels the tightness again. She breathes in and out sharply. She looks at her friends… thinks of her Momma... her father. 

“Because, like, love is what makes you human.” 

The words rush out in a stream.

“It’s what gives you the strength to get up every day. Even when it twists you all up inside, even when you get hurt,” she looks back at him intently. “It’s worth it.” 

Caleb is frozen in place.

“And the people that loved you Caleb? They knew they could get hurt. They knew the risks. But they loved you anyways. And I don’t think they would want you to take that for granted. You were worth it. You _are_ worth it.”

He seems taken aback. “Really?” 

“Really Caleb. I just know it.”

The words hang in the air, then Jester watches his still form quiver, then crumple.

The silent sobs come over him in waves, smaller, then more powerful as he shakes his head over and over. 

“Oh Jester,” he mutters thickly, trying to catch his breath. “Oh Jester, oh Jester.”

Alarmed, she quickly picks her way through the sleeping bodies, and past the glowing images to his hunched form. He tries to hide his face, but she takes it gently in her hands, brushing away the tears with her thumbs. 

“Oh Caleb, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” she mumbles, smiling sadly.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” Caleb says, voice overcome with embarrassment and emotion. “I don’t know why I’m... oh I’m sorry Jester.”

“You are a silly goose,” Jester laughs quietly, and pulls him in for a hug. Caleb tenses once, then eventually surrenders to her touch. 

“Sometimes we need to cry when no one else is watching to be okay again,” she says under her breath and immediately feels far too exposed. She is sure he noticed- _he notices everything_ , but Jester finds she doesn’t mind all that much after all.

Once Caleb’s breathing is lulled back into a slow rhythm, and she is beginning to think that she could just fall asleep like this, tucked snugly into his arms, Frumpkin nudges Jester’s leg. She becomes immediately conscious of just how long she has been sitting there, holding him, and pulls back. 

“Sorry.”

Caleb inhales sharply, quickly withdrawing. 

He shakes his head. “Ah no, don’t apologize. I’m sorry for all that.”

“Oh it’s totally okay Caleb. It was… nice.”

They avoid each other’s eyes, sitting frozen until an especially loud snore makes them both jump. 

Laughter escapes the pair, who are glad to have a distraction from the heavy silence. 

“We should sleep,” Caleb says, when his hushed chuckles have subsided.

“ _Ja_ ,” Jester says again in a Zemnian accent, and he nudges her playfully, earning another muffled giggle.

As she goes to stand Caleb clears his throat.

“Will you uh… not… I mean- don’t get me wrong Jester I trust the Nein completely, but-“

“I won’t tell,” she interrupts, and Caleb looks relieved. 

“Yes. Thank you.” He nods at her appreciatively then leans back onto his bedroll. 

Jester climbs back under her own blanket, her eyelids suddenly very heavy. 

_I won’t tell_. 

Caleb already has his eyes shut, curled up against Frumpkin. 

_And oh he looks so peaceful._

Jester smiles softly as she drifts off to sleep.

_I won’t tell that the little redhead boy didn’t lose his heart after all._


End file.
